Oct 25, 2022
Nonviolent communication is powerful because it has really
understood some very key things about what creates a connection
between people. It helps people create an environment in which what
is talked about is done in a value-free, non-judgmental way. So
then what is talked about is focused on what is going on in each
person on a vulnerable level rather than a 'let's have a dialogue
and debate' approach. Sometimes it's like an archeological dig to
get to the root of why one person feels the way they do. The
outcome is a bi-directional desire to be, to cooperate, to help,
and it's spontaneous. - Wayland
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Wellness + Wisdom Episode 483
Clinical psychologist and Author of Nonviolent Communication: The
Basics As I Know and Use Them, Wayland Myers, explains the 4 steps of the
life-changing nonviolent communication (NVC) model, what it means
to "reside in the heart of the giraffe," how to let go of your
jekyll approach when faced with interpersonal conflict, and how to
use this communication tool when you are feeling especially
At its core, why should you care about or want to learn
the nonviolent communication
By the end of this episode, you will understand the
incredible potential that this simple framework has to change your life and
Listen To Episode 483 As Wayland Myers Uncovers:
[1:30] The Evolution of NonViolent Communication (NVC)
[21:15] Examples of Practicing NVC in Everday Life
- Why it can be harder to practice the NVC model the higher the
intensity of feelings and emotions that you
- A specific example of how Wayland used NVC to help a friend
including share his honest emotions with him.
- How Wayland and his wife were able to work out a difficult
moment of tension through NVC when he shared with her that he was
thinking of not coming to her book club anymore.
- Why Marshall came up with the examples of the jekyll and the
giraffe for his NVC method.
- The power of NVC and how it has helped Wayland understand what
really creates a strong connection between people.
- How to speak to your partner when you have an unmet need and
they're not willing to help you with it.
- Josh and Wayland role-play a situation many couples face and
how to apply NVC to the situation.
- Why it's natural that you're going to fumble the first couple
of times using NVC.
- What takeaways you can use from Josh and Wayland's role-play
situation and apply to your own relationships.
- The 4 important pieces of information someone needs to use NVC
to help repair a relationship or to heal or situation.
- How Wayland tries to "reside in the heart of the giraffe" and
why that is key for him when practicing NVC in his personal
[45:00] Political Divison + How We Can Be Whole Again
- Why Wayland believes that underneath it all, we all have the
exact same needs despite our different opinions about politics.
- What Josh and Wayland would like to see from the US government
especially honesty and open communication rather than
- The long way we have to go yet as a species and why we're like
a 13-year-old behind the wheel of a Ferrari.
- Why we might find ourselves being drawn to one side of politics
over the other.
- Wayland's views on politics and why the Left and Right may have
different beliefs on methodology and what we think is important but
we all want a government to do what it can do
for us and do it well.
- How we can switch our mindset and be more curious than
judgemental when it comes to other people's different thoughts,
opinions, and beliefs.
- The software vs hardware in our brain and why some beliefs are
just naturally wired within us.
- I Feel, Therefore I Am:
Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio on Consciousness as a Full-Body
[1:01:00] Wellness Tools for Greater NVC + Loving
- Exploring whether or not NVC is enough or what other tools we
can use to bring more loving curiosity into our lives and
- Why taking care of your own health and physical needs is key before
- How Wayland's wife has been one of his greatest teachers.
- The difference between male and female brains when it comes to
social skills and problem-solving.
- Why females often just seek comfort instead of resolution when
speaking about their current thoughts, problems, and
Loving Detachment: Why It's a Gift
- Unpacking what loving detachment is and why
Josh is working on it right now in his own wellness journey.
- Wayland's own definition of loving detachment and how to apply
that to different close relationships.
- Why loving detachment can actually be a gift and plays a
positive role in the human evolutionary process.
- Wayland's daughter's addiction and the struggles she
went through at a young age.
- How Wayland's loving detachment allowed his daughter to
naturally experience the consequences of running away while he also
kept a close eye on her.
- The fork in the road we experience when we determine whether or
not we can continue with a loving detachment or not.
- Christine's moment of hitting rock bottom and realizing that she
really needed to make a change in her life and heal her
- What helped Christine thrive and be successful in her addiction recovery and life
afterward compared to others who would still struggle.
- The Creative Act: A Way of
Being by Rick Rubin
- The most important factors that will help a person be creative,
heal and grow in life.
[1:24:00] Living Life on Life's Own Terms
- The life-changing moment Wayland's father went through when his
father passed away from the Spanish flu and his grandmother told
him that he was now the man of the house.
- How his father's childhood impacted the way that Wayland
was raised to not accept life on its terms but to take charge and
be responsible until he tried the 12-Step Program.
- Wayland's atypical depression and having
the need to take medication for it for about 30 years.
- Exploring epigenetics and how events in the
mother's life can impact a baby's health while in utero.
- The hard life Wayland has experienced and the gratitude he has
for what he has done with it.
Four NVC Components: Observation, Feeling, Needs, Request
- The polarization that Wayland sees in our society today and why that concerns him
- Cultural differences such as in Holland where they don't show
appreciation or say, 'Thank you.'
- How we can tell if a need is coming from a wounded and
unhealthy place or from the heart and soul.
- Inner work practices for peeling back the layers of the needs
that we had when we were younger and why they no longer mean
something to us now.
- The impact of Wayland's father forbidding talking about
emotions as a family.
- Similarities in both Wayland and Josh's own families growing up.
- Why we have such a righteous need to be correct and "win" an
- The three things that are true when we are angry according to
Building Resiliency with NonViolent Communication
- How NVC can help us build greater resiliency.
- The current state of the USA's democracy that is pushing people
to be more resilient, use their voice and get more involved.
- Wayland's ideal world and how he believes we can get there
- The call for both political parties to learn how to
engage in constructive dialogue because we need
both perspectives and diversity for us to learn how to enrich the
value of our lives as a result of it.
- Why our fundamental need is not to feel safe; we just
want to feel safe.
- How, in a heterosexual relationship, a woman can share with her
male partner that she does not feel safe.
- Also how, in a heterosexual relationship, a man can share with
her female partner that he does not feel respected.
- How Wayland has gotten to a place where he now trusts his
inner compass completely to
follow his dreams and what brings him joy.
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- Feeling & Knowing: Making
Minds Conscious by Antonia Damasio
Power Quotes From The Show
How Loving Detachment Helps People Heal
"Loving detachment is where we allow the other person the
opportunity to encounter the natural consequences of their choices.
The dignity of being autonomous and capable is so powerful. I
always used to think that the concept of loving detachment sounded
like abandonment but my daughter needed to encounter that
consequence because it was her turning point. That was her
springboard and that's the thing about hitting rock bottom, you can
push off." - Wayland Myers
Men vs Women's Approach to Handling Conflict
"One of the things that has really helped eliminate about 9 out
of 10 arguments in our home is to ask yourself, 'Are you looking
for comfort or solutions?' For males such as myself, my very first
impulse is to get in there and fix it but maybe your partner just
needs you to listen to them. In the example of my wife, 80% of the
time she just wants to be able to talk about something openly to
help her work through it; she doesn't want me to give her a
solution." - Wayland Myers
How to "Reside in the Heart of the Giraffe"
"When you have two people in a situation of being in a
heightened state of emotional pain, as I call it, try to reside in
the heart of the giraffe. To do this, look at the other person and
say to yourself, 'They have the same set of needs for connection
but the way they're going about it really isn't working.' For
whatever reason, they have gotten desperate but there is a very
positive vulnerability behind all of that front that they're
putting up. I just hold that awareness and know that this is a good
person because I know they're a good person and we're just really
fumbling and stumbling because we really haven't figured out how to
sort this thing. That other person may only know to take my
inventory and try to shame me or something but what they're wanting
is something that I know is good." - Wayland
Links From Today's
About Wayland Myers
Clinical psychologist Wayland Myers extensive career extends from
beginnings in mechanical engineering to the world of social studies
and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the CA School of
Professional Psychology in San Diego.
Followed by work in management consulting for various types of
business, two 11 year stints of private practice, founding a
hospice patient care and volunteer program, serving as president of
the board for a second hospice for a 10 year period and working as
a roving psychologist at a large medical hospital for two
He has vast experience in the method of Nonviolent Communication
(NVC) and worked closely with the practice’s founder, Marshall
In addition, Wayland is author of a very popular book:
Nonviolent Communication: The Basics As I Know and Use Them.